Science rocks my soul

Here's a really interesting article from the NY Times by John Tierney.

Deep Down, We Can't Even Fool Ourselves

Not a post about turning 30

I had planned to write some rambling thing about turning 30 today. But instead, I'll sum up and get to what is really on my mind.

30: Been looking forward to this. Yay! I'm 30. Guess what, I'm still me. And if you're one of those twits who thinks I should feel bad about this milestone... then maybe you should start looking at yourself and figure out why you think youth is an end point, not part of the journey.

Now, on to the madness.

My mother calls me today. The traditional 8:15 wish me a Happy Birthday call. And... about 2 minutes into it she says she has some bad news. I think... cancer. She has cancer. She is dying. No, not tragic enough. My nephew... the youngest one... yes... he is dying. Some wilting disease. Right?

Newp. My sister is getting a divorce. Instead of going into detail on that and airing the dirty laundry of a woman few of you know... I'll get to the point. In the conversation that follows, as my mother tells me more and more of the recent events that led up to someone actually uttering the word divorce, I find myself going through all the damn enabling behavior of my sister. Just like the enabling behavior of my mother. All fueled by fear.

And of course, I get angry. I do my thing where I just go over and over in my head how people can be so stupid. I once again mentally tear into my sister, my mother, and a couple of my friends. Why would they put up with that? Why would you stay in a situation where you obviously weren't happy? Why would you go along with something you just didn't agree with? On and on... and other than my brain... only the beau really has ever heard how bad it can get. How truly cutting, judgmental, and harsh I am of other people. And the people I care about get it the worst.

But then, he understands why I need to do it.

Sometimes, I feel bad about this little cycle of mine. Where I pick apart every flaw of a human being, connect the dots and ask, "Why? Why the fuck would you do this?" Just a few nights ago, in fact, after totally dissecting the unhealthy behavior of a friend I growled and threw my hands up and asked once again why I bothered.

He just calmly started to bring up a few points to remind me that people, are in fact, human. And not all mistakes are about willful stupidity.

I sighed. "I'm an ass. I go off. I know I do. But it just makes me so angry. But I shouldn't. We're all dealing with our own demons."

He just smiled. "It's okay."

"Why is it okay that I'm a judgmental bitch?"

"Because, you're like that with everyone. You're worst on yourself. And you remember to forgive them all just as quickly as you damn them."

So, as I listened to my mother go on and on, wanting to strangle her and my sister for being emotionally masochists, that little twinge of guilt wasn't there.

We do really deserve to be strangled for our faults.

We also deserve to be forgiven when we work to change them.

I can't stop laughing

Seriously.

Remember when I said I was the sort of person who can take joy from the misery of miserable people?

That is totally me today. God, I love it when willfully stupid people get it in the ass. All together now, everybody sing, "But I'm the victim".

I cannot fucking fathom it

You know, some people are just jackasses. Some people just have shitastical judgment. I know I stick my foot in my mouth plenty. So, I'm just going to clear a few things up. Just for anyone wondering. Just in case you were curious. Just so you don't have to ask, though you probably fucking should have before opening you giant fucking mouth. But here goes...

Now I am a a certain kind of asshole. I will rip people to shreds for being stupid. I will delight in the misery of miserable people. I generally feel that people who aren't at least trying to be honest with themselves, aren't worth the oxygen they breathe. I am willing to put the desires of my beau ahead of the comfort of others. And I don't apologize for being me.

Now, here's the kind of asshole that I am not. I don't care what your race is. I don't care whatever the fuck goes on between consenting adults. I don't give a fuck who you worship. And I really don't think that your height or weight has fuck all to do with your value as a human being.

So there, just in case you were wondering what sort of asshole I am.

Sometimes it's not so easy

Prejudice works in odd ways.

Preconceived notions. They happen. It’s a part of how our brains work. With the mass of stimuli out there, our brain likes to put things in little boxes. Neat little labeled boxes that make the world easier to sort out. Now yes, I grant you… there’s quite a difference between your brain deciding that all fire is hot and that all Mexicans are dirty clown car packers… but stick with me… I’m going somewhere.

I grew up in a world where I was a numerical minority. And culturally, the line between black and white wasn’t nearly so important as the line between native to the land and outsider. I will admit, I’ve had preconceived notions about things here and there, and have done my best to be aware of these thoughts. To try to compensate for my prejudices. It’s the little things, like taking a deep breath and thinking to myself, “Now just because he is pissing you off, it’s not because he’s a yankee. It’s because he’s an asshole.”

Well, recently I was forced to realize that there was one connection I’d placed in my head that wasn’t necessarily true. A preconceived notion that my brain automatically applied to situations, as if gospel. And again, I’ll lay this at the feet of growing up in the south. Prejudice or not, it was something that I saw proven right again and again. So, I just took it to be universally true. Who knew I had some naiveté left?

You see, silly me, I thought only ignorant people were racist. Ignorant, ugly people. That’s what I grew up with. You could spot them a mile away. And if maybe their confederate flag jacket was in the wash that day, you could certainly tell they were hate filled fucks after talking with them for about 30 seconds. I just equated that sort of ignorance with stupidity and moved on with my life.

I certainly never thought that I would one day be friends with someone like that.

I never thought that after years of sharing hobbies, dinners, birthdays and late night video games with someone… I would THEN find out that anything other than the tall white man was inferior in their eyes. Yes, there were some signs leading up to this. But I just wrote it off as New England White Bread behavior. I mean, some of these boys think you make sweet tea from a MIX IN A CAN! How can you expect them to know how to act right?

Meh, this just has me in a shitty mood. I hate it when people insist on sucking.

Stuck in my head

Today I am amused.

Also, I have a song stuck in my head.

These things are not a coincidence.

History repeats itself
Coiling down into the future
When it's one second to twelve
The hands touch and follow deeper

History repeats itself
I didn't learn, I wouldn't listen
I couldn't see the books were on the shelf
For my good sense, I never missed 'em

Wish I was standing by the shore
Feel the wind blow in my face
See the waves roll in for an encore
They take a bow, they know their place

I do not want, I do not feel
I've turned away in myself
I can't find anything that's real
But history repeats itself

- A.O.S.