Science rocks my soul

Here's a really interesting article from the NY Times by John Tierney.

Deep Down, We Can't Even Fool Ourselves

Not a post about turning 30

I had planned to write some rambling thing about turning 30 today. But instead, I'll sum up and get to what is really on my mind.

30: Been looking forward to this. Yay! I'm 30. Guess what, I'm still me. And if you're one of those twits who thinks I should feel bad about this milestone... then maybe you should start looking at yourself and figure out why you think youth is an end point, not part of the journey.

Now, on to the madness.

My mother calls me today. The traditional 8:15 wish me a Happy Birthday call. And... about 2 minutes into it she says she has some bad news. I think... cancer. She has cancer. She is dying. No, not tragic enough. My nephew... the youngest one... yes... he is dying. Some wilting disease. Right?

Newp. My sister is getting a divorce. Instead of going into detail on that and airing the dirty laundry of a woman few of you know... I'll get to the point. In the conversation that follows, as my mother tells me more and more of the recent events that led up to someone actually uttering the word divorce, I find myself going through all the damn enabling behavior of my sister. Just like the enabling behavior of my mother. All fueled by fear.

And of course, I get angry. I do my thing where I just go over and over in my head how people can be so stupid. I once again mentally tear into my sister, my mother, and a couple of my friends. Why would they put up with that? Why would you stay in a situation where you obviously weren't happy? Why would you go along with something you just didn't agree with? On and on... and other than my brain... only the beau really has ever heard how bad it can get. How truly cutting, judgmental, and harsh I am of other people. And the people I care about get it the worst.

But then, he understands why I need to do it.

Sometimes, I feel bad about this little cycle of mine. Where I pick apart every flaw of a human being, connect the dots and ask, "Why? Why the fuck would you do this?" Just a few nights ago, in fact, after totally dissecting the unhealthy behavior of a friend I growled and threw my hands up and asked once again why I bothered.

He just calmly started to bring up a few points to remind me that people, are in fact, human. And not all mistakes are about willful stupidity.

I sighed. "I'm an ass. I go off. I know I do. But it just makes me so angry. But I shouldn't. We're all dealing with our own demons."

He just smiled. "It's okay."

"Why is it okay that I'm a judgmental bitch?"

"Because, you're like that with everyone. You're worst on yourself. And you remember to forgive them all just as quickly as you damn them."

So, as I listened to my mother go on and on, wanting to strangle her and my sister for being emotionally masochists, that little twinge of guilt wasn't there.

We do really deserve to be strangled for our faults.

We also deserve to be forgiven when we work to change them.

This is me... sucking

So yeah, life has been nuts. In the past couple of months we have been through an unexpected firing, the plague flu from hell, a respiratory infection, two moves (yes, moved. twice. fuckinghell.) the beginning of two divorces of friends, and the start of a friend's life here in Connecticut. And these are the things I have directly been involved in the physical and emotional labor of. Enough to keep a girl busy, sure. But not an excuse for my recent fuckupery.

I've always been shitty with dates. I mean this. I love you, but I will forget your birthday. Unless I write it down and stare at that calendar every day, I will miss it. And I'm not likely to do that. There is a very small handful of people that I can actually remember the date. And of those people, I will still often lose track of time and not realize it was their birthday until after its gone.

But it still bothers me. And I will still feel like shit over this for a while. Cause all I had to do was pick up a phone and say, "Bella baby, hey." She deserves a shit ton more than that.

Anyway, this is to all my friends. Since I know I have forgotten and will forget your birthdays, anniversaries, and other important occasions. I'm sorry. I love you. I will do it again. And I still love you. Just because I know you well enough to explain your own emotions to you, or we're close enough that I've petted your hair while you cried... does not mean I will feel and do those things any less. Even though I suck enough to forget to say Happy Birthday on time.

Forgive me this flaw, please. I will continue to fondle all of your flaws. I promise.